How To Escape A Killer In Five Easy Steps

The Only Murders In The Inbox Survival Guide

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How To Escape A Murderer In Five Easy Steps

If you read the Only Murders edition about the Final Girl Scenario, you already know the importance of a plan of escape in murder mysteries (and real life, of course, should the situation arise!) So if you are the Final Girl/ Last Man Standing/ Lone Survivor, you need to know how to get the heck out of Dodge — and quick. Here’s a foolproof five-step plan with book suggestions to help you evade the killer.

Happy Death Day, Image Courtesy of Universal Studios

1. Use The Element Of Surprise

Fake it until you make it — or at least until your killer is convinced you haven’t figured it out yet. I’m always amazed at amateur sleuths who brazenly declare to the killer how they know they’re the murderer. Did Agatha Raisin, while drinking tea at the killer’s house mano o mano, reveal how the murderer did it and actually think she wouldn’t get poisoned? Therefore, the easiest way to guarantee you’ll live to fight another day is to pretend you’re oblivious, that way you’ve secured the element of surprise. So you have a deluded stalker who’s convinced you’re the only one for him so of course he offed your significant other and now he’s declared his undying love? Tell him you love him, too. Is there an angry, vengeful psychopath who was intent on bringing some moron to justice and then he just confessed all? Give him a slow but meaningful clap after his confession. Have a calm and calculated serial killer who’s collecting heads as trophies and he thinks yours would be a perfect addition? Point out Ricky’s/Betty’s/Terry’s head instead. The longer the distraction, the more likely you are to formulate a plan that’ll save your skin.

Image Courtesy of Freepik

2. Wear the Right Shoes

I decided to ask Adam Rockwell from Inspired by True Events with Adam Rockwell his advice on how to escape a killer. “There is just one trick to staying alive in a murder mystery. Well, two. A good pair of New Balance running shoes and a dedicated daily cardio routine. If you've decided to, “Take a walk through the park at night because it's so nice out,” instead of taking a cab like a sane person, ditch the Manolo Blahniks and put on the running shoes. You might look ridiculous, but when you come across a knife wielding maniac, just turn and run. Don't look back. Just run and run and then run some more. Most fictional murderers typically wear creepy, heavy black boots and won't be able to keep pace... if you did your cardio workouts.”

So that’s a good point. You can’t hoof it in heels, although you’ll notice in some crime thrillers the girls running end up tossing their shoes anyway, and usually at the face of the killer!

Halloween, Image Courtesy of Miramax

3. Get Creative With Your Weapon

As any Final Girl will tell you, no matter how long you’ve been running, eventually you’re going to have to stand your ground and fight this guy. So what do you use?

A corkscrew? A mirror? A knitting needle? You’d be surprised at how many ways you can kill a person — think Midsomer Murders and that giant wheel of cheese, an ice statue a la Louise Penny or a bear trap like on Father Brown. In a crunch, you’ll need to get creative with anything nearby so you can at the very least distract the killer long enough to get away. Do you want to break that valuable Ming vase over his head? Of course not. Is crushing him with a large library bookcase truly feasible? Umm, no. Do you want to drive that Prada heel through his eye to blind him, thereby ruining your best shoes? No way. (You might end up having to ditch them anyway, refer back to Number Two). But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!

Image Courtesy Of Macmillan Publishers

4. Do Your Research

Consider using crime lit to help you plan your escape. There are numerous thrillers I can recommend with the help of my best friend Leyla who’s a more voracious mystery reader than I am. Here are some suggestions if you’d like to indulge in a mental escape (or if you’re quelling your anxiety in case you need a real one).

In Riley Sager’s Lock Every Door, New Yorker Jules Larsen has just accepted a job as an apartment sitter at the Bartholomew, one of Manhattan's most high-profile, luxurious buildings. While house sitting, Jules meets Ingrid, another resident whose nervous behavior intrigues Jules, especially once Ingrid suddenly vanishes. Jules soon discovers Ingrid isn’t the first house sitter to go missing; soon she’s trying to expose the history of the Bartholomew before she becomes the next victim.

A familiar storyline for The Final Girl kicks off with a brutal memory, and with a past that somehow comes back to haunt them. All Good People Here by Ashley Flowers centers around the death of a young girl, January Jacobs. In Wakarusa, Indiana, there was a case that haunted its residents, especially the young girl next door, Margot Davies. Twenty years later, Margot returns home and finds there’s another kid missing under similar circumstances. Margot’s search for the missing girl increases her resolve to solve January’s murder before the killer can strike again.

The House In The Pines by Ana Reyes finds Maya traumatized by her best friend’s sudden death. Maya’s convinced it’s connected to a man named Frank; fast forward seven years and Maya learns of another mysterious death. When she catches the video of the dead girl on TV and sees Frank in it, she’s convinced she was right all along, but she doesn’t know how he did it. In Stacy Willingham’s A Flicker In The Dark, Chloe is haunted by her past involving six missing teenage girls. When another girl disappears, she can’t help but draw parallels to the old missing persons case. But is there actually a connection?

5. Take A Self-Defense Class

As my grandfather, a former college athlete and coach always told me, learn your five P’s: Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. In this instance, the best plan is the prepared-in-advance one. It’s not going to hurt to get some pro tips say, before you find yourself alone in a dark alley or a creepy parking garage. Here are some self defense moves and a list of classes available, including a YouTube tutorial. I bet you thought this list was going to remain hypothetical. Nope. Better to be prepared is what I say!

Self Defense Resources

If you’re in Los Angeles, the Parks Department offers Self-Defense classes

No matter where you live, most colleges and universities offer free self-defense courses. If you’re in L.A., the University of Southern California offers them every semester.

This Only Murders In The Inbox edition originally ran on September 30th, 2024

Song of the Day: “No Body, No Crime” by Taylor Swift and HAIM. Animatic by the very talented Haiyinchan